I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend after much humming and hawing on her part. When she got engaged, I was living in Australia. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and then she changed her mind as I wasn't living in the same city as her. Her sister (maid of honour) lives in the US, so she didn't want to deal with the headache of two bridesmaids living out of the country. (In hindsight, I don't see why this was an issue, as she won't let us help with anything anyways!) She then changed her mind and asked me to be in the wedding, which I agreed to. I have since moved back home, so am available and have offered to help with whatever, but so far have only been asked to help prepare invitations (despite the bride saying she is soooo stressed - yet again, has never asked for help when I have said I am free on the weekends).

Since moving home, I have often been asked to hang out with her and her hubby. I went at first, but never really had fun, as we were always being dragged around by her FH and his group of snobby investment banker friends. I also felt uncomfortable doing to drinks or dinner with her and her FH, when my DH is still in Australia. It made me feel like the third wheel and miss my boyfriend even more. I'm OK in a group, but also didn't want to intrude on their time as a couple. I haven't done anything on my own with her since I moved back, when before moving we would always go out on the town just the two of us. Now either FH and/or the other bridesmaid are invited to join - even if I make the plans.

The other bridesmaid is a former colleague. I can handle her in small doses, but she is very religious, judgmental and career-driven, and I don't feel I can be myself around her, like I have to put on my goodie-two-shoes act around her. I've expressed my feelings towards the other bridesmaid to the bride, but she says, "That's just the way she is, don't fault her for it." Ummm...if you're making unsolicited judgments about my life, I'm going to fault you for it! Depsite this, the bride continues to force us into social situations together. I am fine to do things together that are necessary for the wedding, but beyond that, she is not my friend and I don't want to spend anymore time with her than is necessary. Any time I have asked the bride to do something together, totally unrelated to the wedding, the other bridesmaid is invited by the bride as well, without checking with me if it's OK. Is there some weird wedding rule I don't know about where the wedding party has to be best friends? I was never forced into social situations with wedding parties in the other weddings I've been in. I know that things change once a friend partners up and gets married, but is it now outlawed to spend time just the two of us?

My next question - is it mandatory for the bridesmaids' shoes to match? For the past 3 months, the bride approaches us about once a month asking about shoes. She has never made a firm decision on this, has hinted that she would like them to match, but also that it is up to us. This passive-aggressive/control freak/people pleasing behaviour is really giving me the shits!!! So once again, last week, the e-mail comes through saying that she is, once again, thinking about shoes. She doesn't want us to spend more money, but she would like the shoes to match, but wants our input. I say that I don't care, it is her call, as I have said all along. I told her that in the previous weddings I was in, we all had the same colour and fabric of shoe, but different styles, and in the pictures you can't tell that we're wearing different shoes. I have expressed this several times, have never gotten a firm answer out of her, despite me giving my input and telling her the decision is hers to make. Leading up to receiving this e-mail, the people-pleasing and indecisiveness about something that in the grand scheme of the event is not a major detail, was really driving me nuts. So, of course, we get an e-mail asking for our opinion. The other bridesmaid says she would prefer to wear her own shoes, as she has trouble finding shoes that fit her two different sized feet (not to mention she is a teeny tiny 5'0" size 2 Asian girl, and I am about a foot taller than her and a size 12!). The bride writes back that she wants the shoes to match - why didn't you just say that in the first place months ago!!! So I guess that means spending more money (I have already spent nearly $400 on a dress, $100 on my own makeup, not to mention driving 3 hours to a bridal shower, planning a stagette, gifts for both events, wedding gift, tanning, hair, nails, etc. etc. etc.) since I'm pretty sure I don't have the EXACT same shoes as the other bridesmaid! I wrote back saying that was fine, but please keep an open mind that what fits the other girl might not fit me. I don't want to tower over her, but I'm also not going to wear flats and look stumpy so she doesn't look like a midget.

I should also mention that I have recently moved back to Canada on my own and at my own expense, purchased a new home and car, and changed careers. It is a sales role, so pays a decent salary, but is aimed at commissions, so right now I am earning less than my six-figure earning friends. And I am also not married/engaged/living with someone, so am doing all of this on my own, whilst my friends are not. So I am living on a budget and have made it clear that events, gifts, etc. need to work within that. I'm finding the demands on my time and wallet to be a lot, and my friend has not been considerate of the fact that I am not marrying at $300k a year earning investment banker. I am always getting messages saying "I'm shopping right now" or "There is a sale at such and such store...I didn't go too crazy," which is frankly giving me the runs as I do not have that luxury.

So we meet to look at shoes that night (after getting an E-MAIL MEETING REQUEST! Give me a break!) - I said she had one hour of my time to do this, as I was very busy at work and did not want to waste my time going in circles (both the bride and other bridesmaid are control freak, Type-A personalilties, yet also people-pleasers, I'm not sure how that is possible, but it makes any decision-making impossible). We did find some options, purchased a possibility, but did not have our dresses with us. The shoes did not match (but still really cute Nine West and on sale for $40, so I kept mine!), so now we have to start all over again tonight. I am not really looking forward to it and am not willing to devote much more of my time to this. My partner arrives from Australia tomorrow, so I've made it clear he will be my priority for the next few weeks. I did spend a couple of hours looking on my own over the weekend, so kept her posted on the possibilities I saw.

I don't want to ruin my friendship or the experience of being my friend's bridesmaid, but at the same time, I feel like I'm losing a friend that I can no longer do things alone with like we used to. Even with sharing details on the wedding, she would address her conversation towards the other bridesmaid, who recently got engaged, and not to me, who is not engaged.

Do I say something to her now, or button my lip until after the wedding, and give her a chance to do things one-on-one with me?

Am I being a bridesmaidzilla, or are my feelings of frustration and being driven nuts by both girls valid ones?

Are you allowed to put your foot down with the bride about additional expenses and working within your budget as a bridesmaid, or do you have to hold your tongue and do whatever is asked of you? Any "bride" website says, "Do everything in your power and whatever you are told in the name of friendship," but to what extent is the friendship really there when the bride is overstepping boundaries and being overall inconsiderate as a friend? Does the fact that they are getting married automatically stop any right for you to confront them about your feelings as a friend?